Vinaigrette salad dressing: GOOPneth Paltrow, please read

I can’t be having it with this Paltrow idiot, I really can’t. She’s a halfway decent movie actress, I suppose, but she’s got Pundit Syndrome. She will make wittery, idiotic announcements and, unfortunately, there are people in this world naïve enough to equate celebrity with intelligence. And there are celebs cynical enough to sell their names to endorse pointless products: generally perfumes, although fashion lines occasionally provide an amusing diversion (Liam Gallagher, seriously?).

Paltrow’s latest stroke of genius is flogging cleansing and detox at the low, low price of $425 for 21 days’ worth of pills and powders. It’s been dubbed the “goop Cleanse” which, as Dlisted‘s ever-cynical Michael K. remarks, sounds like a swamp water enema. Here’s what you get in your ecologically responsible-looking plain brown box if you’re daft enough to pony up for it. The ingredients are completely pointless supplements or, in at least two cases, what may – in my untutored opinion -  be unlicensed medicines:

What you get

• Nourish: Protein powder
• Move: Fiber powder
• Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial
• Balance: Insulin regulator
• Cleanse Manual
• Ease: Digestive enzyme
• Encourage: Strong probiotic
• Clear 2: Herbal anti-microbial
• Relief: Liver support
• Recipe Guide

I’m not going to go any further into demolishing this WTFuckery: others have already done so elsewhere. Cleansing is a load of crap, literally. It’s just an expensive way of screwing up your digestive system and getting a sore arse. It suffices to add that the webshite of the company touting this crap is riddled with testimonials and carries a fully grown Quack Miranda disclaimer, which alone is enough to warrant the ‘scam’ tag.

No, what I am going to gleefully pillory the Great GOOPster for is her recipe for vinaigrette.

Why vinaigrette? Well, it’s an incredibly simple thing to make. I live in a country where everybody, man woman or child, is expected to know how to do this at an early age and, frankly, there’s no excuse for getting it wrong. It’s a cookery basic. It’s like a musician not knowing how to play scales. It’s like a writer who can’t spell. This is how GOOPy makes hers:

Make a well in the middle [of your salad] and drizzle in the extra virgin olive oil and red wine vinegar. Add the mustard and the salt and pepper. Sprinkle with nuts. Mix up so everything gets well coated and serve on the board or in a bowl.

That is like mortaring a wall by putting all the bricks into a pile, drizzling in cement and water, then mixing it all up. Not only will you never get a decent emulsion that way, it’s very difficult to correct dosage after the fact. Once the dressing has been poured on the salad, it will start to ‘cook’ the leaves, so you get the mix right first.

This is how you do it. Take the following, according to taste:

1. Vegetable oil (e.g. olive, sunflower, grape seed, rapeseed, peanut). You can use a combination, depending on taste and Doctor’s Orders
2. Wine (e.g. red, sherry, balsamic) or cider vinegar
3. Mustard, traditionally Dijon/English but we use whatever takes our fancy. It’s usually crunchy.
4. Pinch salt, dash pepper

As a rough guide, start with approximately 3 parts oil to 1 part vinegar in a small and use ½ teaspoonful of mustard. Mix well in a small bowl or a shaker. If the mixture isn’t forming an emulsion, add more mustard. Taste. If too acid, add more oil; if too thick and oily, add more vinegar – or possibly a lighter oil, such as rapeseed. Adjust seasoning as required. Once you’re happy with taste and consistency (this won’t take long, really), put it aside until it’s time to eat the salad. Mix it up just before pouring the requisite amount onto the salad. Eat the salad.

If you’ve made more than you need for one meal, vinaigrette keeps quite well in a jar or shaker for a few days.

You can add extra flavouring with a crushed clove of garlic, a bay leaf, or some herbes de Provence (a mixture of thyme, marjory, rosemary and oregano). Or indeed, whatever takes your fancy. Are you a parsley perve? Tastes like grass to me but apparently some people love it. How about chives? Shallots do it for some people. I mix in some plain, set yoghurt to make a dip for artichoke leaves. Be creative.

Just mix it all up and get the taste right before you put it on your food.

Related articles

• The Basic Perfect Vinaigrette (mybestcookbook.wordpress.com)
• Honey Garlic Vinaigrette (fruitandcake.com)
• Gwyneth Paltrow Literally Selling Snake Oil Now (videogum.com)
• Lose A Few Pounds With Gwyneth Paltrow’s $425 Cleanse And Impossible Recipes (buzzfeed.com)
• Gwyneth Paltrow Now Sells GOOP Colon Cleanses [Diets] (gawker.com)
• You can poop like an A-list celebrity for the LOW cost of only $425!!!!!! (blahbethany.com)