Between you and me, this last month started off fairly sedately. The search terms bringing people here were unexceptionable, even if it’s clear that Google can’t be arsed to fix the timing problem with their email service or that there are still people out there desperate to be told “global warming isn’t real” (8 hits) or think reiki might be of use in treating bipolar disorder (well over 30 hits).
Trust me kids, the world’s getting hotter much too fast and reiki is just an elaborate form of relaxation with a huge dollop of self-delusion mixed into the practitioner’s ego. Keep taking the Depakote and reduce your energy consumption.
Fine, what remains after we bin the porn and give the Muse fans a banana before ushering them hastily out the back door? Apparently everything in this world (and possibly the next) can be improved by adding “spiky” to its name. This disturbs me. We’ll have none of that this time either. Ah, a simple one:
- easy drawings of angels
You take 3 isosceles triangles, a circle and an ellipse and Bob’s yer uncle. It took me all of a minute to knock that one up using Paint, even though I’m such a terrible artist that it probably represents my masterpiece. Sorted. Next?
- dalek tea
You what? You want to make tea from Daleks? Daleks make terrible tea. Worse, they do not understand the concept of biscuits. In fact, some might argue that’s the real deal breaker. Stay away from Dalek tea. These beings are so evil they could easily serve you herbal. Or Earl Gray. I shudder at the mere thought.
- dalek buy
Oh, yes. I want to buy a Dalek that’s fully homologated for road use. What’s the betting there’d be a lot fewer dicks cutting me off on the ring road in the morning? Also, that would be unbearably cool. Let me know if you find a decent supplier that throws in a good warranty.
- pass over the head bag
Look, I understand how a search for a man with a bag over his head might lead an intrepid Internaut here, I just don’t know why anybody would want to search for such a thing.
- it´s all a fuck illusion
It’s the gratuitous expletive that puzzled me. I know I swear a lot, but my F-bombs are loving hand-crafted from only the finest ingredients. Perhaps the searcher has Tourette’s of the keyboard? We may never know. However, one thing I do know is that this one is really fucking weird:
- sensuous enema
I think that guy really needs to find more romantic forms of foreplay. Especially if he uses this mixture:
- colonic cleanse recipe senna, garlic and evoo
Evoo is apparently ‘extra-virgin olive oil’. I think we should move on quickly before a vision even fouler than santorum becomes indelibly etched into our tender minds. Well, since we’re wandering around the fringe therapy nuttery, let’s dig deeper:
- reiki lsd
No, they’re not on LSD; they talk like that all the time.
- reiki hand positions for bladder
Grab pubis with both hands and exclaim “OhgodIreallyneedtopee” before rushing awkwardly from the room. Do this before they present you with the bill.
- does reiki make you fart
That, Sir or Madam, may well be the question of the month. I would venture to suggest that it depends entirely on what you have been eating over the previous 24 hours; the relaxation would do the rest. Not, you understand, that I would ever suggest nibbling on onion bhaji for starters, then tanking up on a hearty bean hot-pot and washing it all down with a pint of Guinness before your expensive relaxation session.
- can reiki help in bypolo disorder
I don’t think Polos make you fart, though. Any more New Agery?
- paleo diet, starry eyed in mornings?
This is vaguely reminiscent of one of those coy advertisements for breakfast cereals or whatever that are supposed to relieve constipation. You know, the ones with some simpering female (it’s always a woman, any males are thrown in as an afterthought to avoid accusations of sexism) wittering into a soft-focus lens about how great she feels – vague gesture towards lower intestine – ever since she began eating Insert Product Name every morning before starting her busy day.
- homeopatheic treatment for clean n fair vegina
Clean and fair? Are you expecting to get it audited? In any case, those sugar pills are tiny, there’s no way you’ll get them to stay in. *Adopts world-weary pose with hand over eyes* Fine, let’s get it over with. Any more genitalia?
- penis out
It’s on strike? Wobbling up and down the corridor on its two little wheels holding a placard which reads “We demand fewer hours and better working conditions”? Or are you having trouble remembering the lyrics of that Motörhead song, Rock Out?
Incidentally, just as Deep Purple followed up Hard Lovin’ Man with Hard Lovin’ Woman in the interests of equality, I hear Lemmy is considering a follow-up to Rock Out called Jam Out. You read it here first.
- how to no if there are angels in my room or just energy
Angels? Just say no.
- distance healing using needles and photos
That’s called voodoo. Of course, when you’re doing it to harm the person in the photo, it’s called gutter journalism.
- as a doctor and not
That one leaves me flummoxed. The search engines actually found a result for that random jumble of words? Other cryptic utterances include:
- suddenly wild appears, it is ineffective
Then there was the sicko special:
- harry potter snuff fanfiction
And a big shout out to the Alien Overlord conspiracy theorists, ever hopeful of finding that revealing clue:
- draco & hydra based reptilian extraterrestrials
I don’t think they’ve spotted me yet. I know there here been a few suspicious whispers when people realise that I like to sit near the fire or bask in the sun more than most, but those usually stop after I have them for lunch. Round for lunch, I mean.
There are a few other oddities, but I think we’ve seen the best ones. Except for this. This one is the Insane Search Term Of The Year. Why would anyone search for this? Why would such a search bring them here? A terrible thought strikes me: what if such things exist?
But what? you ask. I point a trembling finger, too shaken to reply:
There is no hope for humanity.