It’s that time of the month again. What better way to inaugurate the new site than by nicking content and ideas off the old one? Searchindipity has now moved here, where it will aggregate the insanity that permeates the search results bringing the thirsty for knowledge to any part of my glorious domain. Ha, if that last sentence doesn’t get me a Bulwer-Lytton nomination, I don’t know what will. Now then, a word of warning: in spite of the date on this post, all these search terms are terribly, terribly real. We will start gently.
Hmm. Somebody wants otters to do his job, it would appear. Or maybe not: the spelling is a little shaky. Actually, the spelling is shaky on a lot of queries, and it’s just not possible this is all due to typographical errors. Nor one-handed typing, so stop sniggering at the back there. Right, *quick sort* out go the ones we’ve had before – my word, yet more willy watchers. Go away.
Look, people who have timeout problems with Google Mail: just give up on the IMAP already. It’s a disaster. Searching for ronald jack time clock fault code won’t make it better, either.
Now, my ego is somewhat tickled by this one: fpi™ woo. Note the ™. It’s heartening to find people using an expression you invented. So, let’s get cracking on the reality-challenged nitwits who will happily make an assertion but cannot Fucking Prove It in any way at all.
First stop: fringe therapists
Part the Thirst: Homeopathy
- wtf is homeopathy – To which the short answer is: homeopathy is WTF, although boiron bullshit also works
- homeopathic medicine for professional fucker – Um… Puzzled by this one. A sex worker looking for homeopathetic v**gr*? It’s a scam, son.
- h:mc21 stamping tiny feet – Not strictly speaking a joke, but rather very perceptive. They do that a lot, don’t they?
Part the Secount: Cancer quacks
- burzynski vs gerson – After Burzynski, The Movie it’s Burzynski, The Boxing Match.
- burzinski band wikipedia – and Burzynski, The Musical Extravanganza? Kill me now. Please.
Part the disturbed: Everything else
- can reiki treat a spiky dalek’s bipolar disorder – OK, I’ll keep this one busy while you phone the Home or Steven Moffat. Either will do.
- can reiki treat my bin tea – You’ll be the one seeking information on disjointed syntax, then?
- reiki hand positions for alcoholism – Easy. Kneel before the porcelain god. Place hands on either side of the bowl. Offer libation with a clean, swift pulse from the Manipura chakra. Repeat as required until fully cleansed.
- torture hydrotherapy quack chiropractor – Hydrotherapy? That’s just massage with jets of water, isn’t it? Shouldn’t qualify as torture unless the jets are really fierce or shoved up your… oh. Oh dear.
- fucking your chiro – AKA reverse colonic hydrotherapy, presumably.
It’s not all fun and games, of course. Some of the search terms are depressing in a completely different way.
Second stop: the sad ones
- can i ever be happy with bipolar – The answer is yes, as long as you get help from genuine medical experts and psychological counsellors (medication is NOT automatic) you feel comfortable with. Don’t hesitate to change doctors if you don’t feel entirely comfortable with them. Avoid “alternative” therapies at all costs.
- i struggle with reality and i ruin everyone’s lives – Unless you’re an antivax activist or one of those political right-wingnuts, this probably isn’t true. If you are: it is, so you must go into permanent retirement with immediate effect and refund all the people you wheedled money out of to fund your venomous campaigns.
- harry potter enema fanfictions – oh good grief. @Burbdoc, is that you?
Last stop: Bampot Central
Or, as someone so eloquently put it: teapot wingnuts.
The latest issue of Gurus and Guides brings you:
- barefoot farmer stephen russell – Farmer? Well, I suppose he did get caught plowing his patients.
- real angelic being pictures – Ahem. How can I explain this? Do you remember what Mummy and Daddy told you about Santa? The Tooth Fairy? Not to mention The Monster Under The Bed? Well, prepare yourself for a slight shock…
Oh bugger. I promised myself I’d try to avoid mentioning the lads to whom some of you no doubt refer as That Trio of Talentless Tossers from Teignmouth. It is with the deepest regret that I must reveal that Muse are clearly being extremely diplomatic when they describe their fans as “completely nuts” and “really fucking weird”.
- matt bellamy providing alien genitalia
If you hear reports of a scruffy, skinny singer heading at Mach speed to the desert to live out the rest of his days as a recluse with a sock over his head, you now know why.
I’ll be down the pub.